Lately, I have been asking myself this question.
What is it really all for?
Exposing your pain and weakness to possibly help another individual find their way out of pain and brokenness?
This is the nature of a Ministry of reconciliation I guess.
Leaving it all out on the table, messy, scraps and all for others to come by and pick through at their leisure.
I mean, sometimes I am not even sure if folks are really reading this, and if they are… is it reaching them?
Sometimes I get the feeling that I seem to be so much more naturally transparent than I am.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am pretty much naturally outgoing, which comes across as transparent. But I believe this is a control measure.
When you spend your childhood drifting from relatives house to relatives house, school to school you learn one thing..
You learn that it really doesn’t matter how cool you are, how good you are or how smart you are, so long as you can spin the narrative towards making yourself look good, or at least towards looking like less of a target.
You manipulate people’s perception of you so that it seems like you are all that you need to be for that particular person out of simple, unadulterated survival.
And to the world you seem transparent..
But this, is not true transparency. For although you have put out there images, facsimiles and versions of the you that they want you to be and in many instances you want you to be.. it isn’t you.
And you know this, somewhere deep down inside you know this.
And you begin to loathe you, to look at yourself as you were afraid that all those super fans of your image would have looked at you, had they only known the truth.
The image becomes sickening, like a paper maché piñata left out in the slightest of rain, colors running just enough and flesh drooping just slightly so as to make it not quite worth throwing away but not quite worth using at the party.. mockingly useless.
So, as a youth, you move on to the next group of people to create yet another image, another persona that will finally, hopefully be the one that will sufficiently mirror the real you, but not be the real you so that you can hold on to this one without eventually wanting to vomit at that moment that you have to put it on yet again to keep your new friends, interested.
Phase one complete..
And now that I have outed myself as the former fraud that I used to be I’ll tell you why I allowed you this look into my past, my psyche, my crypt..
That man is dead, and buried.
You see when you get along that road, and one day somewhere.. you run out of people to be.
You realize that no matter who you seem to be you will always be you and this is a fact that you can not escape from, not in a million years, miles, personas, or different social cliques.
And you turn back to the one who made you..
Simple as though it may sound and you know you have played with this idea a time or two or twenty but it has never really quite taken hold because you cannot present a persona to the one who knows the internal workings of your soul because he loves you just.. as… you.. are.
And he welcomes you, finally as you melt into his arms and realize that although you no longer even know who you are, but you really were all these people and yet they were never really you because you spun them and polished them and presented them in ways that they were never really meant to be seen in and yet.. it doesn’t matter.
He heals you.
And you finally,
have the rest and the love… yes the love that you have been looking for.
And this, is what it is all for.
Brokenness, can see brokenness, and so off I go into the world with my scars out here for you to see.
Saying to you to lay down your masks, and your trials and errors and stop putting forth a persona, or being that someone who you believe that everyone needs you to be, and just be.
I am still broken, believe me.
And I am still working out this thing that I have created over the decades.
I am still finding out who I am in HIM, not in you.
I am still trying to figure out what parts of this man who you see are really me.
And if they are all me, and I am beginning to see that they are all me, just not to the same degrees, then I was never really all that bad to begin with.
Broken seeking out broken, not just to let you know that there is another way, a better way, but to show you that I am still here.
I am still me..
And for once, occasionally, I actually love me.
And if you think that doesn’t feel strange to say, then you really haven’t been paying attention.
As the kids would say, “It’s about to get real”.
So, if you like the me that you have always known, but have never really wanted to see what lies beneath the surface, you might want to unsubscribe from this feed.
If you like keeping things in nice, neat little compartmentalized packages and categories, you might just want to not keep reading.
Because there are some people out there who need to let go of all this baggage that I was similarly weighted down with for far too long.
It’s time to go tell all the self-deprecating, self hating, so-called freaks and geeks out there in the world that there is another way.
There is one persona yet that you haven’t tried on that you haven’t shown off and it is actually a little of all of those you have already put forth, and yet none of them at all..
Come inside, you are loved, you are awesome, you are perfect and yet totally F*cked up just the way you are.